– Sudhanshu Joshi
It has been 19 years to my existence and a similar span of time struggling to express. In this world which is full of good orators and story tellers, I even fail at reciting my own thoughts and emotions. I am often asked as to why don’t I speak much? Why am I so quite all the time? and the only answer that I find worth speaking is, “Because that’s how I am”.
It is said that,“ Silence is the best answer” but for me in silence I explore answers. Even though I speak less and express less but there is a lot which goes in my head. In these moments of silence I observe life, I observe how this world is turning into an exhibition of fakeness. I observe how everyone is a judge and for him other people an object. I observe how people find it relaxing to curse others and even more soothing to create mockery of others. And I observe how the concept of love and relationship is now called old school.
With all these observations of mine I get curious. I get curious to know the reason behind these behaviors and thought processes which is drifting people to such an extent that they prefer being fake rather than showing their real self, they prefer judging and objectifying people rather than appreciating and respecting them, they prefer creating mockery and cursing others rather than for once having the feeling of empathy and trying to understand others, and they prefer the concept of hook ups and the feeling of orgasm rather than the concept of love and that feeling of butterflies in stomach.
I try but I fail to understand their reasons to all this. In between all these thoughts and observations of mine, I am often asked as to why don’t I speak much? Why am I so quite all the time? and the only answer that I find worth speaking is, “Because that’s how I am”.
Most of the time I cherish this quality of being an introvert but there are even moments when the very fact of not being able to express certain things and emotions is itself horrifying and suffocating. There are situations when I do get hurt, situations when people fail to understand me and situations when my actions are perceived in an opposite manner. In every such moment I fail to express myself and all these emotions of mine gets hidden in my acceptance of guilt. This feeling of suffocation grows in every such bad phase of life and in every such phase I feel weaker than earlier.
Talking with my own self is one thing which makes me feel wealthier as a person in terms of values, understanding of life and knowledge of myself. In silence and conversations with my own self, I understand people and their actions which help me in expecting less from people and accepting more of them. Introspection and knowledge about own self is an essential part of a person’s life and it really helps in growing as a person in humanly ways.
Though I have a bundle of emotions and an ocean of thoughts present inside my head which keeps on flourishing every second but when it comes at expressing, I fail. And the only answer for this inability of mine which I find worth speaking is, “That’s how I am”.
Grace the comment section with your thoughts on the observations mentioned above and your views on this article.Thanks for reading. 🙂